Netflix. A den of cinematic scum and villainy. Not really, I just like to picture it as such while I use and abuse it's many lazy-friendly features. The most lazy-friendly of which is the Instant Queue. Through the magic of the interbutts, this allows you to watch movies instantly on your computer, iPad, Playstation 3, etc. etc. etc. Queue stupid commercial about grandpa watching a romantic comedy with his stuffed dog. At any rate, I was merrily traipsing through my specially-cookie-designed "Gory Foreign Film" category (made just for me by our robot overlords) when I encountered something of a disappointment. High Tension, one of the best foreign horror films this decade, was given a measly 3 stars. "Well . . ." thought your fearless writer, "Perhaps this is just because, like most of the world, Netflix users hate the French. Let me check some of the other ratings of Horror movies before I fly off the handle and start slavering for moron brains." To my total lack of surprise, only one or two obscure titles had more than 3 stars IN THE CATEGORY. Obscurity, of course, allows for the neck beards to be the only voters, and such awesome titles as Behind the Mask: The Rise of Lilian Vernon net more stars than A Nightmare on Elm Street.
So, Netflix. I hate you. Steven Seagal movies are extremely funny, in a not-intended-to-be-funny way, but by no means are they better than the penultimate horror films of my generation. The only explanation are wet-brained fools that think they are going to watch something with Cameron-esque production values being disappointed and one-starring everything in the category to avoid seeing them on the queue. I demand satisfaction.
Stage one of my plan is to systematically vote up every movie that I have seen and even remotely enjoyed in the Horror genre. Even My Bloody Valentine which is total crap squeezed out of a desperate production studio will receive at least four stars. I will leave a nice little cut-and-paste review on each one, expounding about how production values and pacing are not staples of the Horror Genre, and that people that do not like to see hyper realistic violence should stay in the "Movies for Little Girls" sections like "Action and Adventure".
Phase Two of my plan will be the carefully planned degeneration of the Horror category by suggesting tags for each movie that are arguable. High Tension a Foreign Drama? Sure! It's Foreign, and vicious murder-kidnappings sure are Dramatic! A Nightmare on Elm Street might file well under Teen Issues (I kid you not, this is a micro-category) or even High School Drama! Seeing Freddy next to High School Musical would drive a laugh out of even the most cynical chest (mine). And who could argue that Bram Stoker's Dracula isn't romantic? Let's just say that it wasn't a movie I watched with my male friends back in the day. This will help to inseminate the Horror genre into new territory, making the most popular films available to a broader market and allowing the neck beards to vote up all the really nasty movies for our little clique.
The Final Solution is very simple. I will ask my friends to join me in down-voting Thrillers. At this point, the reader might be asking themselves . . . "But Aaron, you intellectual paragon, why would we do that?" First, thank you so much. That's very kind. To answer the question, Thrillers are what families watch to get a little tickle of horror without letting their kids see piles of slippery guts or power tools being used for things that void their warranty. They are what boyfriends rent to get their girlfriends to cling to them so they can cop a feel without grossing them out or "spoiling the mood". The Sixth Sense is a "thriller". It's also a good way to get some rest if you have had trouble sleeping, much like M. Night's 40 other movies. My plan is to fuse the Horror genre into the Thrillers like smashing a bacon cheeseburger and a pair of glazed donuts together into a Luther Burger. That way, whenever someone goes to see a boring movie with Anthony Hopkins grimacing for two hours, they can downvote that crap and watch High Tension instead for a real treat. I'd like to see Hopkins from Instinct take on Marie in a chop-saw forest stalking scene. A scary haircut versus a concrete wet saw . . . For once, I'll take the Frenchy for the win.
Thus . . . Horror would take its rightful place as the meat on the plate. Thrillers can be the bland mashed potatoes, and the rest of the tripe on Netflix can be the veggies pushed aside by any sane human (Military Documentaries can remain the tasty bread products, however). Some veggie bits like Monster Films can be the delicious candied yams of the veggie world, but most are the foul turnips of Romantic Comedy and Historical Drama. As I go to begin my plan, I am suddenly hungry. For a nice, juicy steak. From a cow. What kind of sicko do you think I am?
Don't answer that.
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