10 Ways To Annoy Your Server

Greetings, friends and relations.

It's been a while since my last rant, so let me blow the dust off and hit you with one that I hope will open your eyes to the more subtle points of dining out that can get you better service, colder drinks, and possibly even a reduced bill! Remember these two important facts about your server: they are at work, and they are most likely the last person to see your food before you eat it. We'll touch on these points later. Being a server currently, I will begin to use "me" or "us" to refer to servers or the service industry and "you" referring to the dining public. Hopefully not ALL of these apply to you, but I am sure one or two might. These are in no particular order, as they are not born from recent events. I've just been mulling over these and thought I'd put them in a handy list.

1) I have a name. Please use it.
One of the first things most servers at a restaurant tell you is their name. "Hi, my name is Aaron. Welcome to Roadkill Cafe." This is an invitation to use my first name to refer to me. Please do not blank out and ignore me as if I am a robot or a cog in the vast machine that is my restaurant. My name is not "waiter" (an improper word, at any rate, since I am a server, and not a "waiter" who typically removes dishes and refills water at fine dining establishments), or "mister" or even "sir". As polite as those names might be, I gave you my name. Please use it. If you do, I might even bother to learn yours and do the same.

2) I am your waiter, not anyone in the same shirt as me.
With the exception of very fine dining establishments were you may have one or more servers per table, nearly every restaurant assigns you a single server for your table. If it's me, please ask me for everything you need at your table. Even if I am "in the weeds" or under a lot of pressure, it is sometimes dangerous to my job if you ask any person in the room for another fork, a refill, or a to-go container for your leftovers. It points out to my co-workers that I am incapable and/or lazy. If I am either of these, please politely ask to speak to a manager and inform them of my plight. Management is much more effective (not to mention gentle) at dealing with pressure issues than gossiping co-workers or support staff. Not to mention, I like to take care of you because it improves my tip and keeps me involved with your table.

3) The "t" word.
Speaking of "tip" . . . it's not really a tip anymore. I hate to broach this subject in such a rude way, but you are NOT doing me a favor by tipping me. You are paying my electric bill. You are buying my dog food. You are putting gas in my car. The average server makes $2.13 an hour before tips. That's two dollars and thirteen cents an hour. The reason we make so little is because it is expected that you will give us 15% to 18% of your total bill as a gratuity, which will even us out to 10-15 dollars a hour on average. All servers are required to pay taxes on their total sales, often not the amount of money we make. If you round your bill up to the nearest dollar, or worse don't tip at all, you have literally taken money out of my pocket in exchange for my hard work. Imagine if your boss walked into work tomorrow and told you that you had to work an extra hour, and that he would not only be withholding your pay, but be charging you ten dollars for the privilege. If that sounds crazy, imagine our surprise when we open our check book and see an $0.85 tip after an hour of dealing with you and your kids. If you really want to do me a favor, give me 20% or more. That'll make me smile and next time, I'll fight to get a table clear for you and pick your kid's favorite crayon colors.

4) "What's good here?"
Nothing. We don't eat here. Number one, we see how the food is cooked. It's a sad fact, but a lot of the time some magic is used to make your food magically tasty. This will be with compound butters, seasoning blends, microwave ovens, and paint brushes with mystery liquids on them. Number two, we're servers, so we're obviously not wealthy enough to eat out every night. The few nights we can eat out, do you think we go to where we WORK to eat? Every once in a while, I'll tell people what I eat. It's generally a side salad or a sandwich and a bowl of rice. The kitchen can't screw that up, and it doesn't make me gain 10 pounds. A better question is, "What does everyone else like?" I can tell you with percentile precision what my guests eat, and how much of their plate they clear.

5) Coke, no ice.
This is not a fast food restaurant with convenient lids. If you are one of the few people with a tooth sensitivity and ice irritates your condition, you likely have countermeasures like medicine or special tooth veneers to protect you from the pain and discomfort ice might cause. If you are in Cambodia or an undeveloped nation, you have limited cause to fear the contents of municipal water sources and the ice they produce. Here in the US, you are annoying your server by making us spill drinks on ourselves unnecessarily. You see, ice provides an important liquid baffle that prevents the fluid from "lipping" or swirling out of the glass when we transport it. If you don't like watery Coke, drink faster. If you just want more precious Coke that the ice might displace, drink more slowly. Please remember that you are in a restaurant, and not a desert. Besides, if you run out of soda too quickly, you can always chew the ice for precious moisture and entertainment while you wait for me to bring your 3rd refill (all the while praying for you to wet your bed).

6) Ranch dressing. Not a condiment.
If you are from the North or West, feel free to exchange Ranch dressing with mayonnaise, honey mustard, malt vinegar, or whatever weird crap that is not ketchup. If it's not on the table, you are annoying your server asking for it. We might smile and oblige, but it's because of the "t" word. Your french fries have been lovingly prepared with a generous amount of seasoning for your enjoyment. Please EAT ONE before drowning them in sauce or using them as a vehicle to pack salad dressing into your mouth. If you like salad dressing so much, order a salad. Much healthier, and . . . SURPRISE . . . the salad comes with dressing! Ketchup is generally provided at the table for your convenience if you find the fries to be too bland. Also, if the fries suck, you might consider not eating them. They're just cheap stomach fillers anyway.

7) How would you like that cooked? Well done? No.
Friends, if you need a steak to be well done, please order the chicken. Seriously. Steaks are for people who enjoy the flavor of beef. The flavor of beef comes from the juices (comprised of rendered fat and blood) that are trapped in a properly cooked piece of steak. The maximum amount of palatable juices come from a steak that we call "normal" or Medium Rare. Sorry, Rare-heads, Rare is too cold to render the proper amount of fat for the mix to be perfect. Any further than Medium Rare begins to degrade the quality of the steak BY DEGREES, meaning Medium is terrible, Medium well is terrible terrible, and Well is burnt to the point of pity. How dare you take away a perfectly good steak from a meat eater for your A-1 Steak sauce hamburger-in-one-piece debauchery? I would rather give the raw meat to a vulture than burn it to Well Done for you. May I suggest the chicken? It's always well done. Also, it won't take 25 minutes to come out and decrease my "ticket time".

8) I like you fine, but we are not friends.
A certain amount of facade is important in the service industry. It's called rapport, and it's developed in all sales jobs. we want you to feel like you can trust us and enjoy our company. This does not mean, however, that we want you to sit around and discuss banal minutiae while our co-wrokers are making money all around us. Please . . . if you are finished eating and drinking, pay your bill and haul ass. Come back and see me another day to continue our friendship. Repeat business is great. Also, please don't ask me about my family or my political/religious beliefs. Best case scenario is that I tell you and you feel uncomfortable for asking. Worst case is that I totally lie to you to boost my tip and you feel even worse. If we are really friends, you can ask me these questions while we are having a beer on my day off.

9) Splitting checks.
Folks, this world is a-changing. Even since I became a server ten years ago, I can tell you that the number of cash payments has gotten so incredibly low as to almost be laughable. We realize that it's convenient to pay for your own meal and your own drinks separately with your credit card. To that end, we are generally happy to split checks for you to facilitate your desire for convenience. However, take a moment to consider a few things before you ask us to do this. First, time is of the essence. Make your intention clear right away, as in: "If it's not a bother, I'm separate from everyone else." This gives us the chance to draw a line in our list and make you a ticket at the beginning, making it easy for us to print and issue your bill at the end. Second, the less checks, the faster you leave. If I have to swipe 13 credit cards, it'll take about 20 minutes for you to leave after you've eaten. That can be an eternity if you are in a hurry. Consider joining forces or forming "payment teams" to ease the transactions. Finally, look for an ATM in the restaurant. If you pay together, in cash, you can leave instantly. It's what we do when we go out to eat, because we can do math.

10) I stopped babysitting when my sister moved out.
Parents, please marshal your children with the same care you would in polite company, and be mindful of how they are watching your every move in public. If you order a Well Done steak with Ranch Dressing and a Coke with no ice, you are dooming me to another generation of suffering. Teach your children how to behave in a restaurant. Teach them to respect their server the same way they do you. Teach them the benefits of patience, the virtue of being neat at the table, and the rewards of restraint. Most of all, teach them how to enjoy eating with their family. So many times we see children too small to be in a restaurant scattering toys and food all over the table, with their tired and numb parents offering a tight-lipped smile at our obvious distress. By contrast, older children have their faces shoved in a hand-held game or texting on a cell phone with their meal lying cold and untouched to their parent's chagrin. Teaching your child proper manners and etiquette at eating establishments will stick with them throughout their lives and make your special night out more enjoyable. While you're at it . . . teach them how to work out 20% of a bill in their heads. Make a point of showing your children that you tip your server, and how important it is to do so.

I hope this list has entertained and informed you. If you read this and enjoy it, please share it with your friends and family. WE can't say these things while we are at work. If any of these points were mentioned at your table, we would lose our jobs. Please remember that we are working hard to make your special night a memorable one, and help us serve you better.